It has been a while, and a lot has happened in my life since my last post.
I went broke, and went back to work. Well not quite broke, but I was nearly there.
I cringe now thinking about the way my game suffered through playing scared.
I cant remember where but recently I read an article about fear, and how it is one of the biggest factors in becoming a solid winning player.
Managing fear, not just controlling the fear within you, but exploiting the fear in your opponents.
This article described how the first step to conquering fear, and in fact turning it into a weapon is to identify the source and cause of the fear. What are you afraid of? What is your opponent afraid of? Losing money they cant afford to lose? Fear of losing face? Fear of having their ego bruised?
When I think back now, I was shitting myself about going broke, that simple. Nothing else mattered to me.
I didn't have a fear of looking bad, I didn't care if Rob thought I was granite or anyone else's perception of me. I just wanted to get through what I thought at the time was a horrendous run of form, and basically it was all about survival for me.
I tightened up, I really tightened up. I tailored my game to wait for the fish to give me their stack. Pot controlled with marginal hands instead of betting for value versus absolute calling stations, worse let I made ridiculous folds with strong hands when put to a decision for my stack, I also over bet my nut hands scared of getting sucked out on.
No wonder I went broke, how could I win playing like that? If I was paid by some random dude to go into a game and try and lose without making it obvious, that is exactly how I would play.
Kind of makes me feel sick when I think about what I had and what I threw away.
I managed to get myself out of a job that I hated, saved and built what I thought was a robust bankroll, and started my journey with a 3 month stay in Vegas, hoping to further cushion my bankroll before returning back to London to grind The Vic.
Fast forward to 2011, here I am back in the same job, well same company doing a job somewhat further down the ladder earning a salary which is half the money I was earning before I actually quit to play poker full time.
So anyway, I am frustrated and angry with myself let again, at my lack of progression. I only have myself to blame.
I got a lot to write, a lot to get off my chest. But for now this is a start.
Yigit
