I am really struggling with life...

Ahhhhhhh

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me?

I am wasting away my life. Days, weeks, months and years seem to fly by like a motherfucker. Wasted year after another. What the fuck have I achieved? Where am I going?

Is poker a destructive influence in my life?

Would I be more complete, and healthier without poker?

I just bust out of another tournament, 3 way all in pre flop AQ vs AJ vs J10. I am the dickhead with the AQ, and out in 25th. 1st: $5k. Great. One time? No fucking way, online is rigged against me.

Tae Kwon Doker (get it...?)

Friday night is "monkey night". That is what me and my girlfriend refer to as quality time we spend together. An allocated day / evening where I don't play poker. We call it "monkey night" because we affectionately refer to each other as monkeys. Because monkeys are cute I suppose.

Anyway, as you can see my current downswing is driving me a little crazy.

For last night's "monkey night" we stayed in and got a few DVDs.

The Foot Fist Way (trailer above) is my recommendation for anybody in need of cheering up! Fuck me that dude is my hero! I couldn't stop laughing throughout the whole film.

In addition to the comedy values it offers, it vaguely teaches the core values of Tae Kwon Do.

A couple of years back I read Tournament Poker and The Art of War (David Apostolico), the book was basically about how you could apply classic strategies of Sun-Tzu (a sick Chinese general) into your game, to "dismantle" your opponents.

The film got me thinking...embracing the "Tenets of Tae Kwon Do" and applying them to your game could help...maybe?

Tenets of Tae Kwon Do...

Courtesy (Ye Ui)

To be thoughtful and considerate of others. Taekwondo practisers (both students and instructors) should be polite, and show consideration for others.

Poker: Avoid berating or abusing other players at the table however bad they play. Take the beats and move on. Don't give "rub downs", and don't slow roll unless its Malic, Rob or a fat person. If it is Pratik, tell him his hand is good, let the dealer push the pot his way, then, only then show the winning hand. No, seriously though, even during the worse downswing, and the sickest beats always show courtesy at the poker table.

Integrity (Yom Chi)

Integrity describes how you should interact with others. To be honest and good, earn respect and trust.

Poker: Ammm.....don't cheat!

Perseverance (In Nae)

This basically stands for your internal drive. Challenges allow us to improve ourselves and should therefore not be avoided.

Poker: A drive for continuous development, a willingness to always learn and improve. Not be content playing the £1-£2 rake game for the rest of your life.

Self control (Guk Ki)

To have control of your body and mind. A Taekwondo student should practice controlling his actions and reactions.

Poker: Tilt control! Reacting to bad beats. Directly connected to both courtesy and indomitable spirit.

Indomitable spirit (Baekjool Boolgool)

To have courage in the face of adversity. A Taekwondo student should never be dominated by, or have his spirit broken by another.

Poker: However bad you are running, regardless how many times you got your money in good, and got 2 "outered". You will keep strong!

Back in action tonight! Trying not to go broke at the moment!

Coping with variance (coping with injustice...)?

Tuesday night £100 rebuy, 1st pays £8k. 13 left.

Hero (me): K10

Villain (random donkey): 77

Flop: K 10 2

All in.

Pot: 80k (Tournament Average 60k).

Guess what the turn is?

One fucking time man. The dude who went on to win the tournament granted he is a good player, but he plays £10-£20, he hardly needs the money. Me, £8k would be a break through for me.

Last 2 weeks has been a sickening mixture of negative variance, and deep tournament runs with nothing to show for it but a £2k downswing.

Last night reminded me how brutal poker can be when the cards go against you. Looking back now, I really didn't do anything wrong. I got coolered several times, and when I was on the right side of a cooler, I got drawn out on. Before you know it you are £700 in the hole.

Keep cool, keep calm. Play the fuck through it. This is the motherfucking reason we have bankrolls! Come on Yigit, believe in yourself.

I would of been down an additional £100 if it weren't for the gorgeous Victoria Coren.

Most people know who Vicky is, even though I haven't met her before I have always seen her around in the card room playing the high stakes games. I remember she took down the London EPT event for £500k couple of years back. She is pretty big in various media forms, and a part time poker player (that doesn't do credit to her poker achievements -she is big time OK?).

Anyway, she sat in my £1-£2 rake game with some dude behind her, apparently writing an article on poker (something about how you can make more money, or make money quicker playing poker than depositing it in a saving account of some sort due to the shit interest rates....meh..)

She sat down with about £100, and only wanted to win £10. She played a few orbits, lost a few pots. Then to cut a long story short, I doubled her up (hence proving her point for the article), all in pre flop 10 10 vs AK, she spiked an ace.

She left the table.

Then came back 10/15 minutes later, and threw a £100 chip over to me, saying it wasn't fair that she hadn't given me an opportunity to win it back.

I obviously pleaded with her to take it back (shut up Rosh!). She insisted I take it. I did.

Kind of embarrassing, but fuck it.

I hope it was the gesture she was thinking of, as opposed, to thinking I am some desperate low stakes grinder. I am sure it was.

I am desperate for a winning session tonight, my bankroll is getting really tested. But I believe in myself, and I will come through this.

I hate fat people.

Working hard on getting "more gamble"...

I have a friend who short stacks the $25-$50 games (and other relatively high stakes games online). I actually feel sick when listening to some of his stories. This is a guy who could spin up $10k in one night, and then jump in a $100-$200 game and lose the lot!

I know you are reading this, and I love you man but you make me sick. Sick!

From time to time when he is not smoking weed, I will actually listen to some of his advise (only to laugh and tell him to fuck himself).

The other night he said to me (and to be fair he has been saying this to me for a while now...):

"Dude...you are a fucking nit, you think you are a baller, but you got no fucking gamble in you..."

"When was the last fucking time you got your money in bad, knowing you were getting in bad?"

"When was the last fucking time you gave some donk a bad beat?"

Am I a nit? He got me thinking? Well I am no Sam Farha that is for sure, but I got some game!

I run some pretty sick multiple barrel bluffs. I frequently shove the river putting my whole stack at risk with nothing, but yet I agree I still lack gamble.

Fold equity is like my best friend, and when I first learned about it and began to incorporate it into to my game I realised very quickly that this was the ultimate weapon against variance.

But in any spot where you have fold equity, you are not gambling, and according to my friend if you don't have gamble you will never be able to play higher than £2-£5. Because not only are there some really really good players up there, but there some outright gamblers who want to give you a fucking spin!

Yes I think I agree. He then went on to explain how I could gain an even bigger edge on the £1-£2 game if I was willing to occasionally gamble. Not all the time, just sometimes.

He said use the money you steal from the fish, through pounding position, and semi bluffing draws, and re invest in gambling. "You are free rolling motherfucker! Think about it..."

Everybody is going to get their fair share of coolers, and big hands go their way. But you being a good player, is going to have some money in your stack from outplaying your opponents. Lets call this money....gamble juice!

Imagine if you use this juice to produce more juice by outright gambling. If you lose your gamble juice, well don't gamble. Wait until you have some more gamble juice, and try again!

I swear to god I don't know if I am making this theory justice with my explanation but it kind of made sense when he was telling me.

So I think I will gamble more!