Sigh...

I feel like there is a lot to get off my chest, a lot of shit to vent and let go off. I have put off writing and posting because I have not made time to do so. I get up I grind, I eat, smoke, maybe (rarely) go gym, I grind, I sleep a little and I do it again the next day, and then the next day after that. I have no real direction, or schedule. Which really unsettles me. I know the things I want from poker and life. My ultimate goals. And I realised I needed smaller goals, objectives which I could work towards in the short to mid term which would make my ultimate goals more real, bring them closer. And you know what I really felt things were going well and I was chipping away. But really I wasn't. I was just winning. Winning does not mean you are achieving your objectives or you are any closer to your long term goals. But when you are winning everything seems and feels good, you feel good. Until you stop winning. Everything you feel you have been doing starts to feel wrong, even though you may be doing the exact same things you were doing when you were winning, which you felt were 100% the right things to do, the right plan / schedule, the right strategy -it all feels completely wrong, and you need to change whatever you are doing in order to win again. So ridiculous. So what do I do? If everything starts to fall apart immediately when I hit a losing spell then to be honest something wasn't right all along. The foundations weren't strong enough. Or I am not strong enough. I am a lot stronger than before but I might not be quite strong enough. On the surface I am. I don't think my actual technical game suffers. I play good, I make the right decisions -or the best decisions I can make at the time and continue playing with a sound level head during tough sessions in midst of tough losing periods. But inside its torture. Or I torture myself with such random and illogical stuff -most of which I know to be rubbish -just bullshit, but its as if I am in conflict with myself. Why do I never get a fucking break? I have played hundreds of tournaments, hours and hours of grinding, why can't I EVER catch a break? Why cant I just get a decent score? Its so unfair that guy is a cunt, how does he win? How does he have all them chips? How has he won that comp? I deserve it more! I torture myself with this injustice shit. Oh its such a fucking injustice. I am so cursed. Yeah right get a fucking grip Yigit! And its the worse way its all internalised. I pretend its OK, that things don't effect me any more, its OK I am stronger right? I am literally eating myself up with this shit. I was sitting next to some fucking cunt from Liverpool on Day 2 at Newcastle. Just a complete cunt. A nasty piece of work. Very early on in the day, he somehow managed to get in 80k when the blinds were 400-800 all in pre flop with 10s, he 5 bet jammed and somehow got called off by AQ and held! So fucking ridiculous, but never mind how bad this hand was played out that's not my point. 2 hands later, bare in mind this guy JUST won a 160k pot, I managed to get my stack in with A7 suited versus his 10s (again! this cunt was a card rack -the injustice of this alone was eating at me as I sat there grinding my bowl for HOURS). I had got really short. I 4 bet shoved for 7k, less than 10 big blinds. I knew I had no fold equity, and I knew I wasn't going to be in great shape, but with the dead money from the blinds and the original raiser I figured this was a good spot. Anyway, I got there and won what was a MASSIVE pot for me! But a tiny loss to this guy! I sat there quietly after the hand while this guy belated me for at least 20 mins, claiming he was so unlucky, and I was lucky to still be there. He was pretty nasty. I have been card dead for pretty much 30 hours of live deep stack tournament poker. At Nottingham and Newcastle. When I think back and evaluate now, I really can say I played great! I played good at Nottingham and I played even better at Newcastle. It has been incredibly draining of my soul! And with nothing positive to feed on, the negativity seems to have spread through me.