How to dismantle a grown man...

Jamie Roberts you are such a beast.

I was privileged enough last night to experience at first hand the skills of a "Black Belt Poker" grader.

So let me set the scene;

We have the usual mix of ultra granites and hope-a-trons playing bingo poker on a Friday night in the £1-£2 rake game at The Vic.

(Granites below...)


Amongst them we have "Mr Bizcuitz". I don't know this guy's name, nor am I particularly interested in knowing it. But I do know several things about him:

He is semi retarded (kind of at least!).

He is likely to be from a rural part of Russia where there must have a shortage of biscuits; as once this dude realised you can get biscuits with your tea at The Vic, he hasn't stopped ordering them (hence why we call him Mr Bizcuitz -as he would pronounce it).

Point of interest; his favourite biscuits are the "pinkz vones" (this guy is such as fucking retard!).


He is pretty terrible at poker, although it must be said he has improved (and continues to do) -but still is just real bad.

He is ultra tight passive when he is playing his A-game; on a number of occasions I have seen him either dwindle his stack away, or sometimes when he is bored (or tilted at the lack of biscuits) he stacks off real light.

Lets just say Mr Bizcuitz isn't one of the punters who has to worry about a queue at the cashier's desk at the end of the night.

He also claims to be the unluckiest poker player in the world (and he is absolutely convinced of this fact).

So far during this particular session, he has had a couple of "coolers" go his way, and is up about £200.

Mr Bizcuitz is looking very pleased with himself.

Enter a drunk Jamie Roberts.

Jamie is a top player, no doubt about that. I admire his warmth, humility and he is genuinely a very nice guy.

I wont mention who Jamie's dad is, but lets just say he is good at poker too!

I remember playing with Jamie a year go in this particular game when he used to buy in short and grind away, nowadays he is playing higher after couple of decent tournament scores.

His game has got much more aggressive, and no doubt he is (must be) over rolled for a £1-£2 game, combine this with excessive alcohol consumption and you have an opponent who is very dangerous (yet in the long run profitable to play against).

The action is folded around to him on the "hijack" (cut off +1). He opens for £12.

I think the button and both blinds (Mr Bizcuitz is the big blind) calls.

Flop is jack high with 2 spades, and the action is checked around to Jamie, who fires £35 into a £50 ish pot.

The button calls, small blind folds and Mr Bizcuitz dwells up.

Eventually he raises up to £85, with his customarily pained look on his face. Jamie pretty much snap calls. Jamie has £200 behind, Mr Bizcuitz has him covered.

The turn is a red 6 (or a 5) not quite sure. Mr Bizcuitz checks, I know 100% before the turn card came out, regardless of what it was that if the action was checked over to Jamie he would shove -and of course he shoves.

Its so fucking obvious.

Jamie's snap call is a pretty reliable tell of a drawing hand, even if its not and I had opted to check raise the flop (which has only one real objective of building the pot), I would of have open shoved the turn, why else would you check raise the flop?

But hope-a-trons like this have no idea what the fuck they are doing, they will just stumble through hands and hope things go their way.

Don't get me wrong, I make mistakes (actually I make mistakes all the time lately), but let me tell you if I am check raising the flop, and your dumb ass calls, you are getting an "all you can fucking eat" on the turn, unless I have a "lock" hand in which case I may check for deception reasons.

Mr Bizcuitz's check wasn't for deception, he just didn't know what to do. What did he think Jamie would do? Check behind? Well if that was his plan, and then Jamie ended up shoving, you surely have to lay your hand down. Or do you?

So Jamie shoves for £200 into a £200-250 ish pot, and Mr Bizcuitz goes in the tank, long enough for a clock to be called, he eventually calls with A J (top pair top ticker).

The river is a 3, Jamie tables 5 2 of spades for a straight. He had flopped a flush draw, which improved to a gutshot straight draw on the turn.

We had to call the clock on Mr Bizcuitz again at the showdown, as he couldn't let go of his hand. He kept on looking at the board, then at his cards, then at Jamie's 5 2, then at the board, then at his cards...my god it was so fucking funny, I actually had to walk away (as not to be disrespectful).

Here is Jamie, drunk but happy after that hand. Standard "baller" getting a rub down (of the good sort) from Sophie..

Mr Biscuitz crumbled, and eventually gave the rest of his stack to Jamie (calling Jamie's all in bet with KK on an ace high board).

Its kind of hard to watch a grown man in such a pain. You can physically see him breaking down, its real sad.

But brutally funny. I am a bad person I know. But Mr Biscuitz is one if these guys, who just put me on tilt looking at him, so you can imagine the reaction it has on me when he is getting stacked!

Good times.

Incidentally I was card dead all fucking night, but managed to grind out a small win (£150 ish).

Weeeeee...